For the last 2+ years I’ve been to 6 month follow up check ups at the hospital I had my surgery at. If you or any of your loved ones went through a surgery to remove a mass - you know the drill (mentally, emotionally and physically).
In my particular case, I was told there was a 15% chance of the same borderline cancerous tumor of coming back but in the other ovary. Since I don’t really fall in the prominent statistics around this pocket of ovarian/pelvic health issues, my medical team has always wanted to be as thorough and cautious as possible. That first 6 month check up was so nerve wrecking, I was completely on edge and googling my little heart away at the possibilities of my results. Over time, my mom and I have made it custom to get lunch before meeting the specialist and always grab a coffee on our way to see her. We always chat and catch up, trying to talk about other things that have been going on in our week. Time does not always heal all wounds but our experiences and support team sure do help prepare us for what's coming next.
I went in for a check up this past week. Super strange this time around. I’m used to having my mom join me and because of new protocols she had to wait at the door. I didn’t know that and already felt anxious before I entered now. I was onto my second test when I started feeling panic. I was uncomfortable and became really sensitive to the sensations my body was feeling.Pressure, cold, shaky. I glanced up to the ceiling and noticed curtain clips. This was an all white room with a machine. I had nothing else to distract me. I counted those clips feeling the sweat behind my neck and noticing my heart slowing down. I then counted to 100. Phew it was done.
When my specialist reviewed the results she was quick to let me know I had to do an MRI but that everything was fine. They sure have a way of delivering information that can be anxiety inducing very clearly without showing worry. An MRI can be really overwhelming for people and usually is requested if there is some concern. Needless to say, I was still worried despite her saying that there was nothing to worry about. I inquired a lot after she told me that news. She explained that there had been the same cyst in me for years and although it didn’t seem concerning they wanted more detailed information. Another cyst on my ovary was suspicion for endometriosis.
I felt a bit defeated after that call. I’m not going to lie. Because I’ve had so many appointments I’ve gradually stopped psyching myself out and go in not expecting anything. But I did feel defeated. I’m human, what can I say. When was this going to end? Is it ever? These are still questions I do not know the answer to. All I can do is allow myself to feel, try my best to shift my mindset and continue healing.
I’ll be going for an MRI in the next month. I am extremely grateful for this care but I've learned that MRIs put you in a position to appreciate mind over matter like nothing else you’ve experienced. I’m scared, a little worried about the uncertainties, a lot hopeful and certain that I'm going to be okay no matter what. Wish this girl and her ovary luck!