Why Saying Yes Can Feel Safer Than Saying No
You say yes before you’ve even checked in with yourself. You agree to the plan, take on the extra task, tell your friend it’s totally fine. Later, on your own, you feel tired and a little resentful, and then guilty for feeling resentful.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In my therapy practice in Vaughan, people pleasing comes up with so many of the women I work with: caregivers, helping professionals, high achievers, and daughters who were “the easy one” growing up. And it almost always comes with the same question: why can’t I just say no?
What People Pleasing Really Is
People pleasing is a pattern of putting other people’s comfort, approval or needs ahead of your own, often automatically. It isn’t the same as being kind. Kindness is a choice. People pleasing usually feels like there isn’t one.
Why Yes Can Feel Safer Than No
For many of us, yes was what kept the peace. Maybe you grew up in a home where one person’s mood set the tone for everyone. Maybe being helpful was how you got noticed, or how you avoided criticism. Over time, your mind and body learn a simple rule: when I keep people happy, I’m safe.
This is sometimes called a fawn response, alongside fight, flight and freeze. It’s a way of staying safe by staying agreeable. It made sense once. The trouble is that it can keep running long after you need it.
People pleasing isn’t a flaw in your character. It’s a strategy that once kept you safe.
✦
The Part of You That Says Yes
In my work I often use parts work, informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS). From this lens, there may be a part of you whose whole job is to keep things smooth. It’s quick, it’s watchful and it’s working very hard.
That part isn’t the enemy. It’s trying to protect you, often from feelings like rejection, conflict or not being wanted. When we get curious about it instead of fighting it, it usually has a lot to tell us.
Signs It Might Be Running the Show
You apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong
You say yes, then dread the plan
You feel responsible for other people’s feelings
It’s hard to know what you actually want
Rest feels like something you have to earn
You feel resentful, then guilty for feeling it
✦
A Small Place to Start
You don’t have to start with a big no. Start with a pause.
✦ Try This The next time someone asks you for something, give yourself one breath before you answer. You can even say, “Let me check and get back to you.” Then ask yourself:
|
Notice what comes up with curiosity, not judgment. Noticing is already a shift.
✦
When It Might Help to Talk to Someone
If people pleasing is leaving you exhausted, resentful or unsure of who you are outside of what you do for others, therapy can be a space to slow down and understand it. I tailor therapy to each person, blending IFS-informed parts work with psychodynamic, narrative and CBT approaches, so we work with what fits you. You can read more about how I work.
Looking for a Therapist in Vaughan? I see clients in person in Vaughan and virtually across Ontario. A free 15-minute consultation is a good place to start. We’ll talk about what’s bringing you in, what I can support with and whether we’re a good fit. |
About the author: Carm Pileggi is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) and the founder of Girls Gotta Heal. She supports women in Vaughan and across Ontario with relationships, boundaries, grief, burnout and the relationship with self.
This post is for general information and isn’t a replacement for therapy. If you’re in crisis, call or text 9-8-8.
Comments